Canadian HR Reporter

How do don't like? someone you you manage Trying to 'like' everyone isn't realistic, so focus on building rapport, respect By Dane Jensen o ne of the biggest chal- lenges in leadership is managing behaviour when logic and emotion are in confl ict. Intellectually, leaders know they need team members who see things diff erently and challenge their ideas — and yet the very hu- man reality is we connect more easily with people who are similar to ourselves. On any team, leaders likely have to balance this tension with one or two people: ey recognize that having these people on the team brings a unique perspective and adds to the team's eff ectiveness, but — for whatever reason — leaders have a diffi cult time build- ing a relationship with them. So, what's to be done? First, let's be clear on the objec- tive. Anyone can manage some- one they don't like. But why even bother if that's the goal? What we are really looking for here is "lead- ing" someone: Getting her en- gaged and excited about reaching her full potential and committed to doing the best work of her ca- reer as part of this team. is type of leadership can only happen in the context of a relationship. Rapport and respect Without exception, elite coaches in sport are incredibly disciplined at building relationships. They understand that the quality of the relationship is what gives them permission to set high expecta- tions and provide direct feedback, and provides a safety net during tough times. Building a relationship with team members is crucial. Howev- er, leaders need to defi ne the type of relationship they want to build. Setting out to "like" everyone on a team may be neither possible nor desirable. What is both necessary and achievable, however, is a relation- ship characterized by rapport and respect. is combination means people are able to sit together and have a conversation, and both par- ties will respect the ideas the oth- er individual brings to the table. Again, this doesn't mean people necessarily go and grab a beer af- ter work — but it does provide the foundation to lead. When we ask leaders to self- evaluate their ability on a range of behaviours that build rapport and respect, the bottom three behav- iours are, consistently, all about listening. Specifi cally: • "I give the person speaking my full attention" (only 23 per cent say they "always" do this). • "I make it easy for people to tell me they don't know something" (22 per cent). • "I do not allow interruptions when meeting with others" (nine per cent). Here's the important part: It's up to leaders to do these things fi rst. ey should take conscious action to engage in behaviours that build rapport and respect — it's likely they will be reciprocated. Wearing rose-coloured glasses Let's say a leader is sitting in a conference room waiting for his team to arrive for a weekly meet- ing. Most of the team fi lters in on time — but one person is miss- ing. By the time a couple of fruit- less messages are sent to try and locate the missing employee and the leader decides to go ahead, the meeting has already started 10 minutes late. What does the leader tell him- self about the latecomer? If it's someone he has a great relation- ship with, he's likely giving her the benefi t of the doubt — " e traf- fi c was brutal this morning." If it's someone he doesn't like? ere's a good chance that while he's lead- ing the meeting, he's already men- tally rehearsing the "You think the rules don't apply to you" speech he will deliver later that day. Here's the reality: In both cases, the leader is guessing at the cause of the tardiness. But that guess will signifi cantly impact whether the conversation that happens later in the day will help or hurt the relationship. What's important to recognize here is the leader has a choice. He is not bound by his immedi- ate reaction. He can consciously choose the story he wants to tell himself. And, if he wants to have a shot at building a solid relation- ship with someone he's not im- mediately compatible with, there is no downside to having an opti- mistic version of events. Avoid being an ostrich As human beings, we don't natu- rally seek out the company of people we don't get along with. Plus, we were all told repeatedly as children: "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." All of this may lead us to con- vince ourselves that the best course of action is to simply avoid engaging. "If I try to give him feed- back, it will just lead to a fi ght and make things worse." And we learn to live with what we believe is a mutually benefi cial detente. is is wrong, and not helpful. In 2009, Gallup conducted a survey of more than 1,000 em- ployees to better understand the connection between management and engagement. e most strik- ing fi nding: Ignoring people is the most eff ective way to create an actively disengaged team. Leaders may think that con- stantly pointing out weaknesses and mistakes would be worse but, in fact, employees who reported that their managers ignored them were almost twice as likely to be actively disengaged than employ- ees who reported their managers focused only on providing nega- tive feedback. And so, as with many things in management, it comes down to doing the hard things. Lead- ers should fi ght off their discom- fort and engage, consciously tell themselves the most positive story they can about intent, and be disciplined in engaging in the listening behaviours that build rapport and respect. If they do it, they reap the benefi ts that come from teams with a diverse array of personalities and viewpoints. Dane Jensen (@danejensen) is the CEO of Performance Coaching, a To- ronto-based leadership development fi rm that focuses on leadership, team eff ectiveness and personal resilience. For more information, visit www. performancecoaching.ca. Credit: stockillustration/Shutterstock FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES MANAGING/LEADERSHIP MANAGING/LEADERSHIP FEATURES MANAGING/LEADERSHIP FEATURES FEATURES MANAGING/LEADERSHIP FEATURES Leaders should fi ght off their discomfort and engage.

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