Canadian HR Reporter

Credit: bikeriderlondon (Shutterstock) By Brenda Marshall S ept. 15, 2006. I remember this day so well. In the morning, I facilitated a leadership program for a new client — it went really well. Afterward, I shared a quick coff ee with a colleague and then returned to my offi ce where I scanned through my email. And then came the frantic call. For the next 24 hours, I sat vigil in a hospital watching my younger brother cling to life. He died the next morning. As per company policy, I had three days to bury my brother, sort through family aff airs and pull myself together. Only I couldn't. So I used my last remaining vacation days to have a little more time off . And then I was back at work — trying to function "normal- ly" in a very abnormal situation. My colleagues didn't know what to say or do. My grief was a dark cloud over our team and I struggled with parts of my role. It was just so diffi cult — and continued to be for a long time. Versions of my story play out across or- ganizations every day. Grief is a normal re- action to loss — with cognitive, emotional, social and physical impacts. And even though 100 per cent of us will experience loss, most of us have had little formal edu- cation or training about grief. For the most part, what we know is informed by myths that continue to circulate in popular media. As a result, when grief enters a work- place, people are fearful and often frozen. "I'm afraid I'll make it worse" is something I hear so often. e good news is there are very simple strategies organizations can implement that will make a tremendous diff erence for the individual and the people around him. Educate: ere are no stages of grief — this is probably the single biggest miscon- ception that exists today. Grief is a very in- dividual experience, with no right or wrong, and it will not unfold in the linear fashion we've come to believe exists. ere is no magic number of days someone will grieve, nor is there an invisible line people cross to become suddenly fi ne. Instead, we are more likely to see a gradual re-orientation to the world as the individual learns to cope with her loss. ere are lots of ups and downs, and in the workplace, it is totally normal to see varied engagement and productivity for a long time. Fortunately, about 80 per cent of people "accommodate" their loss without clinical intervention, according to the 2009 study Grief erapy: Evidence of Effi cacy and Emerging Directions by Robert Neimeyer and Joseph Currier — meaning they fi g- ure out how to go on with their lives in the absence of their loved one. It doesn't mean they stop feeling sad, but with the support of their workplace, friends and community, they will fi nd their way. Simply providing employees with edu- cation about what grief is and what it isn't will make a big diff erence in how they re- spond and react to a colleague. And how a team supports the individual will have a tremendous impact on his ability to return to productivity. Accommodate: is doesn't need to be complicated or expensive. It begins with communication and fi nding ways to help an individual continue to "opt in" to the workplace. e grieving employee's boss or leader is a key player in making this hap- pen and HR professionals can play a big role in helping her make good choices from the start. First, encourage the leader to connect with the individual before she returns to work and ask two simple questions: •"What would you like your fi rst day back to look like?" Maybe she'd like to spend her day sitting quietly at her desk getting caught up on email. Or perhaps she'd like to have a team meeting — and talk to ev- eryone about her situation — just so she can limit ongoing questions. As one man- ager said to me, "I wanted to gather ev- eryone together, tell them what happened (her sister was a victim of crime) and do it just that once." Once the leader knows what the individual needs, he can plan that fi rst day. •"Would you like someone to walk into the offi ce with you?" People who are grieving often worry about breaking down as they enter their workplace that fi rst time. Hav- ing someone with them provides quiet support and a buff er should someone in- nocently ask, "Hey, where have you been?" By engaging in this conversation upfront, a leader can identify what the employee needs as the days unfold. Once back, regu- lar check-ins where the leader specifi cally asks, "What is going OK in your role? What are you fi nding more diffi cult?" open the door to creating accommodations specifi c for this person. And these are likely to change over time. Perhaps they need permission to use a private offi ce if they become emotional at work. Maybe fl exible hours would help. A newly widowed employee now needs to fi g- ure out school drop-off s and pick-ups in the absence of a partner. Or perhaps some parts of his job are just too diffi cult right now. As one executive shared with me, "For the fi rst few months after my son died, I just couldn't handle customer escalation calls." Another found concentration diffi cult. If you create a forum for an open conversation about these normal reactions to loss, you can work with the individual to make some temporary shifts that will allow her to con- tribute. For many people, work is the only place where life feels a little normal so any- thing you can do help them stay connected will be so appreciated by the individual. Support: "Support the supporters" is something I always suggest to companies. Check in with the people around the in- dividual. Some of them may be carrying a heavier workload as they pick up extra tasks and responsibilities. Others may fall into the role of "gatekeepers." One executive as- sistant told me she felt she had to take care of her grieving boss — and did so by limit- ing the number of issues that were raised to her level. Still others may fi nd listening to their colleague's sadness very diffi cult. If leaders show support for the team, they will be better-equipped to support their col- league and that will help the overall team functioning immensely. Just asking how they are doing demonstrates concern and understanding that they too are playing an important role for their grieving colleague. Empathy: ink about empathy in the long term. is may mean checking in with the grieving mom as her fi rst Mother's Day approaches. It may mean being sensi- tive about upcoming holiday events. One grieving leader worried he might become emotional as he stood in the receiving line greeting employees at the holiday party. He wanted to perform his role but didn't know how so he enlisted the support of another member of the executive team to stand be- side him giving him an "out" if needed. HR leaders can play a huge role by en- couraging this kind of dialogue and solu- tion-fi nding. e key is to gently inquire — and let the individual come up with a solution that works for her. Just by asking, you've demonstrated care and concern that will stay with them always. ere is no one-size-fi ts-all approach to supporting a grieving employee. How- ever, by following a few simple principles, HR can raise the collective knowledge of all employees, and be better-positioned to help the next person who needs support. Brenda Marshall is the founder of the Solacium Group, a Toronto-based consultancy providing education, support and guidance on workplace responses to loss. For more information, visit www.solaciumgroup.ca. Helping employees ease back into work FEATURES EMPLOYEE ENGAGEMENT in the workplace in the workplace Coping with grief Coping with grief

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