Canadian HR Reporter

CANADIAN HR REPORTER May 29, 2017 INSIGHT 19 The photograph taken on the day I fi rst considered suicide Editor's note: We talk a lot about mental health in the workplace, but we don't often get to hear the stories of the individuals behind the statis- tics. We're grateful that Courtney is sharing her story and the insight it provides to HR professionals working diligently on mental health action plans at their organizations. The photo on this page was taken on Oct. 15, 2016. I'm on the right. Look at my face. How do I look? Happy? Sad? Fine? Upset? is photo was taken on one of the worst days of my life. Would you know it by looking? A few short hours before this snapshot, I was sobbing. In the midst of the fourth severe depressive episode of my life, I — against my own better judgment — ended up at home by myself, surrounded by a silence that was too loud and the echoing of my own unhealthy thoughts. Already two weeks into treating this "fl are-up" with a meds adjust- ment, getting back into psycho- therapy and practising mindful- ness and meditation, I dug deep into my arsenal of self-care tools and tried to shift my focus. Breathe in through the nose, hold for four seconds, slowly out through the mouth. Focus on your breathing. Chase away the nega- tive thoughts. You're OK, you're OK, you're OK. Shhhh, calm down. Back to the breathing. In through the nose. You're all right. It will get better. You've been here before; it will pass this time too. Out through the mouth. ere is no fi ght more exhaust- ing, more terrifying, than the one you have with your own mind. e criminal we call depression robs your brain of its ability to function normally; to fi re the cor- rect synapses, release the correct amounts of chemicals. Serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine. To be held hostage by your own mind, unable to see a clear path back to the light and the truth… it can only be described as agony. at morning, I planned to get some more sleep, then have some lunch, then force myself to go out to run some errands. Fighting with my thoughts, tossing and turning in bed trying to fall back to sleep — I was wag- ing a war in my head. e energy it takes to exert control over the depressive thoughts playing over and over is all-consuming. I must have fought for a good 20 or 30 minutes, a valiant eff ort in the wrestling ring of my brain. Even- tually, the fi ght ends. One side wins, and the other loses. at morning, the fi ghter in me lost. e thief of mental illness, of de- pression, won. What happened next is some- thing I have shared with only three people. As someone who has spent years openly sharing my personal struggles and experi- ences with mental illness on a very public platform, this is rare. Since my fi rst post on the topic in 2013, I have written a lot about it, both as an advocate to foster support and increasing awareness, as well as from a personal standpoint. I've been featured in more than a few newspaper articles, I've been interviewed on CBC radio, I've been published in Moods magazine. So it's embarrassing to admit I have been ashamed of what hap- pened next, and that is why I have not spoken of it since. But I know, I know, there should be no shame in it. So today, I choose to share. In one terrifying moment, as I lay there, having given in to the despair spreading through me like wildfi re, I thought — for the fi rst time in my life — I wonder what it would be like to die? And then, how would I do it? As I sit here now, reliving that moment, my heart rate quickens. I remember exactly how I felt — how the shock of the seriousness of the thought propelled me out of my bed like a rocket. How terrifi ed I felt, scared of my own self. How I paced up and down the hall, trying to out-run the tsunami of darkness that threatened me. Back and forth across the carpet, trying to es- cape myself, trying to shed the despair like a second skin, shak- ing, crying with so much pri- mal fear I recall sounding like a wounded animal. My dog fi rst stared up at me blankly, confused, and then ran from me as I began to hyperven- tilate. e fear and isolation I felt knocked me off my feet, and I remember fi nding myself on the fl oor, doubled over as if in physi- cal pain. I don't know how long I lay there, sobs wracking my body with a force all their own. Finally, with a determination I knew was still buried deep inside me, strength from the real me managed to slice through like the narrow ray of sunshine that bleeds through the blinds and fi nds a home on the fl oor, and I reached for my phone. With just a couple texted words, my very good friend knew I was in need, and her mother — who lives just around the corner from me — was dis- patched to come to my aid. When she entered, I fell into her arms. For the next hour, she held me and soothed me as I wept. She is the woman next to me in the photo, which was taken later that same day at Bluff er's Park in Toronto's east end. She and her husband, who I also consider a friend — no, family — comforted me with tea and convinced me to join them for a walk in the beautiful sun of a warm autumn afternoon. e two of them, along with their daughter — my friend — didn't leave my side until I was exhausted from my day and the medication was still in my system, ready for bed that evening. Gratefully, about a week later, the day did come when the tide turned. The new medications kicked in, the mindfulness and meditation started paying off, and I began keeping a gratitude journal. I woke up one morning and thought, "I think I feel a bit better." A bit better than I have in weeks, actually. Is it over? Did I make it through? I did. Now, it should be said I don't believe I would have taken any harmful action against myself that day, though more than 800,000 others do every year. But simply having the thought of it, seem- ingly without any control, shook me to my core. So, today and every day, I reach out to all those who have been, and who are, trapped in the fi re of mental health disorders. I have lived a life with the embers of mental illness constantly sim- mering inside, at times able to cool them, and at times unable to prevent their ignition. By sharing what I used to con- sider the worst of me, I turn it into the best of me. "Don't be ashamed of your sto- ry. It will inspire others." Courtney Taylor is an advocate for mental health and an employee at omson Reuters, publishers of Ca- nadian HR Reporter. If you need support, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255, the Trevor Project at (866) 488-7386 or text "START" to 741-741. She can be reached at courtney.taylor@tr.com. Courtney Taylor GUest CoMMentarY Can a probationary period be extended? Question: If an employer isn't sure about how a probationary employee is working out, is there a recognized limit to how many times it can extend the probation- ary period? Answer: Contrary to popular be- lief, there is no automatic proba- tion period for employees. Some employment legislation, such as the Employment Standards Act, 2000 (Ontario), does not require notice of termination pay during the fi rst 90 days of employment, which is often construed as a pro- bationary period, though it is not labelled as such. However, unless the contract provides otherwise, the employee will still be entitled to reasonable notice pursuant to common law. If an employer wants to treat this period as a probationary period, such that it can dismiss an em- ployee without providing notice, this must be established by in- cluding a clause to this eff ect in the employment agreement. e contractual clause should clearly set out the implications and entitlements. Simply saying, "The employee will be subject to a three-month probationary period," for example, is arguably ambiguous and may not relieve the employer of the obligation to provide notice of dismissal. Rather, the clause should clear- ly state that the employee can be dismissed without cause or notice during the fi rst 90 days of employment. The clause can also provide the employer with the right to extend the probationary period. However, the minimum notice requirements of applicable legis- lation must be met. In Ontario, this means once the employee has been employed for three months, she is entitled to one week of stat- utory notice or the equivalent pay in lieu of notice unless there is just cause to dismiss her. Removing common law notice in this period is possible, however, by including a clause to this eff ect in the em- ployment agreement. If an employer intends to in- clude a probationary period in the employment agreement, it is crucial to include wording that dispenses with reasonable notice in the common law. Do not think a short-tenure employee is not owed reasonable notice at common law. Courts have awarded terms of reasonable notice longer than an employee's tenure at their job. In the 2012 Ontario decision Cao v. SBLR LLP, for example, an employee six weeks into her pro- bationary period was dismissed. She sued in small claims court and was awarded a reasonable notice of four months. Stuart Rudner is a founding partner of Rudner MacDonald, a Toronto-based employment law fi rm. He is the author of You're Fired: Just Cause for Dismiss- al in Canada published by Carswell, a omson Reuters business. He can be reached at srudner@rudnermacdon- ald.com. is article was co-written by Geoff rey Lowe, an associate at Rudner MacDonald. Geoff rey can be reached at glowe@rudnermacdonald.com. Stuart Rudner GUest CoMMentarY Contrary to popular belief, there is no automatic probation period. There is no fi ght more exhausting, more terrifying, than the one you have with your own mind.

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